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Hiders Might Be Seekers

Posted on May 7, 2013 · 3 Comments

hideseek

 

 

 

 

I am a flaming extrovert.

At our church we have that time in the service where people (extroverts) get to walk around shaking hands while others (introverts) are trying to see if they will fit under the pew. I actually have a friend who LOATHES this part of our worship and he will never join the church because it requires that he stand in front of the congregation.

While I may never think like an introvert, I have a responsibility to grow in my understanding of the entire smorgasbord of personalities found in the church. Below is a lesson I have been learning over the years:

The Lesson-

I have a deep conviction that everyone who enters the church doors should be known, welcomed and connected. Sounds pretty harmless right? My church is fairly large and I’m realizing that many people come to a church like ours so they can blend in or even hide for a little while. These folks are not looking to be known and plugged in, at least not yet. Is this ok? Are we as the church ok if people just hide out for a season? I have come to believe this is healthy. The more stories I hear, the more I recognize the amount of wounded and tired saints who just need a breather. I am wired to always ask, “When can we start?” and “What’s next?”, so I have frequently flown by the hiders in my midst. These hiders are often seekers and peekers who are just going at a slower pace.

“A right time to embrace and another to part.” – Ecclesiastes 3 MSG

Filed Under: Youth Ministry ·
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What If Your Baby Is The Bully?

Posted on February 27, 2013 · Leave a Comment

bully-movie-posterI know I’m a little late to the convo, but I finally watched the slightly neutered version of Bully the other night. I highly suggest that you watch this documentary. The filmmakers have edited it to a PG-13 rating so more students can watch and take action. In short, the film follows several students and families who have been bullied because of the way they look, their sexual orientation or their inability to be cool. Two of the stories are about young boys who committed suicide because they couldn’t take the pain anymore. Uggh.

While watching this film, I had several thoughts that have been nagging me to this day.

Is their a bully in your home? In my opinion, it is too easy of an answer to say that baby bullies are born from big bullies, this is not always the case. Over the years I have witnessed students bully their peers socially, mentally and even spiritually. Bullying is way more than physical pain. I’ve heard students tell me that they would much rather be punched in the face than cast out or ignored. I agree with them.

So how do we know if our baby is the bully? All of my suggestions may seem old school, but I believe they are our parental duty.
A. There was only one Messiah and it ain’t your kid or mine. There seems to be an increasing posture in parenting of, “not my baby!” I have to say that my mother knew me well enough to assume in many cases that, “it was probably my baby!” May we be humble enough to know that our children are precious but not perfect.

B. Observe. When your child is with their peers or on social media, observe. Are they dominant? Do they feed off the submission of other peers? While this sounds simplistic, we as a culture are less sharp in our ability to observe social nuances. Observation takes time and forethought.

C. Ask. Again this seems simplistic, but if the parents of the bullies would have asked the bus driver about their children’s behavior, I think the outcomes would have been different. One of the hardest questions we can ask our spouses and friends is, “what about being in a relationship with me is most difficult?” I think we should be able to ask a similar question to the  teachers, coaches and other parents who are in our children’s lives.

D. It’s Just What Middle School Boys Do! = B.S-  Throughout this film you hear several people write off bullying as a common part of adolescence. It may be common, but it is wrong and always will be. We have tolerated this type of behavior as adults and our kids have seen this as a green flag to carry on in the same manner.

Bullies are weak. Yes this sounds like something your mom tells you after you get socked in the nose on the playground, but it is true. This type of dominant aggression towards others is a sign of fear and weakness. I actually have a heart for kids who bully because they often are like wounded animals. Hurting people, hurt people. 

Is there a bully in your home?

 

Filed Under: Parents · Tagged: ,
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Conflict in the Home

Posted on December 10, 2012 · Leave a Comment

If there is a teenager in your home, there is conflict.

If there are more than 2 people in your home, there is conflict.

I have closely observed many families with teenagers over the years. The approaches to handling conflict have been broad and fascinating to say the least. I’ve witnessed families who host “Conflict Summits” or prayer meetings as well as throw downs, boarding school and complete denial. Whether conflict arises in the home is not the question, how we deal with it is.

First off, what does conflict look like in your home? (FYI- conflict comes in silent, passive aggressive, adult, teenage, physical, avoidance and verbal forms to name a few) Now, think about the persons or person at the center of the conflict. Let me ask you another question; do you value them? Would they say you value them?

Even if the person causing the conflict is wrong. They can still be valued.

(I’m not preaching to you. I’m actually talking to myself and letting you read it).

In wading through many conflicts with teenagers, I have learned the approach of; I’m going to take you as seriously as I want you to take me. For the most part, treating a teenager in respectful manner increase the change that they will respond respectfully as well. If we start verbally attacking and criticizing someone, guess what is coming right back at us?

Here is a quote that has been a burr a in my saddle, “if there is no conflict then there will be no honesty.” In other words, if nobody is honest than we will have fewer conflicts. Many families seem to live conflict free and some days I sure would love to live that way as well. But lets be honest! We have learned so much about ourselves, others and the God we serve, if we have trudged through conflict in relatively healthy manner.

How about this for a family mantra, “this conflict will not undo us!” Our commitment and bond is stronger than ________________________.

In reflecting on my own conflicts, I seem to make progress in the situation when I see Christ in the person I am in conflict with. If I view the interaction as a competition, then one of us will end up a loser. Making losers isn’t a value in the Kingdom of God.[1][2]

 

[1] This is a journal entry aimed directly at me. I’ve been processing conflict for some time now.

[2] Dr. Scott Cormode opened the can of conflict works at our Sticky Faith Cohort. Many of these thoughts came right from him.

Filed Under: Parents, Youth Ministry · Tagged: , ,
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Spiritual Nakedness

Posted on December 6, 2012 · Leave a Comment

What do you think it took for David to write these words?

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
-Psalm 139

This is a dangerous prayer! I’m pretty sure David didn’t just recite this one over a bowl of soup. At this point, he was constantly being attacked by his enemies and this was his response? Again I ask the question, “What about David allowed him to pen one of the most transparent prayers in scripture?

Here are a few thoughts:
1. David is brutally transparent because he is aware of his junk.
2. David is brutally transparent and aware of his junk because he honestly wants to be lead in the way everlasting.
3. If we believe deeply that God is good, then His searching, knowing, testing and leading will be good as well.
I had coffee yesterday with a guy who blew me away by his spiritual awareness and transparency. He wasn’t trying to make a spectacle of his beliefs or shortcomings, he was just very aware of who he was and who he wasn’t. Statements were rolling off his tongue that most people keep tightly guarded and packaged up deep inside. He outwardly reflected the fact that he inwardly did the hard spiritual homework found in this Psalm. It was beautiful.
If you are not a streaker or a nudist, then nakedness is uncomfortable.
Spiritual nakedness is uncomfortable as well.
In many ways, this discomfort leads to the greatest comfort.
Filed Under: Youth Ministry ·
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Pushing Kids

Posted on October 11, 2012 · Leave a Comment

I pushed one of my students. Once.

I was a 22-year-old youth minister full of energy and empty on discretion.  One of my older high school students was driving me nuts at a gathering we were having on the beach. He kept saying how lame the event was and murmuring under his breath. Eventually, I turned around and pushed this kid with all my might, landing on top of him in the sand. As my nose touched his nose I said I screamed some French at him.

 

A. Not smart
B. Glad I knew his parents well
C. Probably should have been fired.
D. Twelve years later and I still talk to this “kid” all the time.

Did you think this post was going to be about motivating kids or physically pushing them? I am actually interested in how we motivate students, knowing that our ways of motivating can be as painful as physically pushing a student. In ministry we are called to help people “get from here to there” and they way we do this can be make or break.

Why Push? What is the motivation behind your attempts to push students? Lets be honest, there are times when we as youth workers are so wrapped up in our own causes that our motivation is really about us. We fall trap to thinking good attendance means we are good and bad attendance means we are losers. This loss of identity can often drive us to hassle students about attendance to our events. Most of us are guilty so go ahead and pause for a few minutes with me to confess……..Amen.

On the flip side, as I have become more clear about my motivation for pushing, I have become less “pushy.” There are 3 statements that guide my interactions with all students and they keep my motivations pure.

1. 1 John 4:19, we love because He first loved us. So in short, I am just responding to students out of the love God has first shown me. This takes some pressure off youth workers because it keeps us from acting as if we are the Messiah. It also serves as a continual reminder of our first love that is anchored in Christ.

2. Meet students where they are and help them know, live and love like Jesus. I generally hate vision/mission statements, but this is one I live by. As I interact with students, the first part of the statement reminds me that we are all over the map when it comes to the spiritual journey. We are to love them right where they are and not where thy “should” be. The second part of the statement is where some encouraging pushes are needed. Living like Jesus is uncomfortable, awkward and costly. I am a 34-year-old youth pastor and I need pushed in this area.

3. Worship +2- There is no perfect equation to the Christian life, but Worship Plus 2 has been helpful in encouraging students as they grow in their faith in Christ. Simply put, we encourage our leaders and students to be in weekly corporate worship. We believe that there is great power when the Body of Christ worships together. The “Plus 2” represents a place where you are soaking in and the other is where you are being wrung out. Oswald Chambers mobilizes discipleship in saying, “if we believe in Jesus, it’s not what we gain that counts, but what He pours through us that really counts. God’s purpose is not simply to make us beautiful plump grapes, but to make us grapes that He may squeeze the sweetness out of us.”

Basically I want to provide or help plug students into places where they are learning about God and serving His people. I do and will push students in this way. Yet I do believe a student can be pushed too much and they can be in too many church activities. There are times when we need to encourage students to laugh more, study harder, spend more time with their family, learn an instrument and even take a nap. 

 

How do you push students?
(FYI, the reason I blog is to dialogue so leave a comment to get the discussion rolling)

Filed Under: Youth Ministry ·